Today is December 15th
today is an anniversary of sorts, a marker, a milestone in this journey of life, an anniversary in a series of awakenings
Isn't that what this journey is all about?a series of awakenings? Awakening to pain, to suffering. awakening to Truth. Awakening to Life.Awakening to God.

Seven years ago I lay on an exam table, surrounded by the loves of my life, husband beside me, 11 month old babe cuddled next to me with his feeding tube tucked in to the stroller, stethoscope and heart meds filling our diaper bag. all of these things, awakenings in themselves. Then the babe growing inside my womb, awakening, stirring to life, moving inside my body, filling my soul with hope. Hope for the future, hope towards "normal" I didn't know then that there isn't any such thing. Weary in mind and body, having just come home from a 17 day stay at the childrens hospital, joyously expecting the news of this new life, talking about how easy this baby will be after all the struggles for Isaac. watching the ultrasound tech hover slowly, then back again, face tense, and I know, I know in my heart that something is wrong, I've been here before, My hope melts to fear and my mind starts to scream, NO! NO! NO. Not again, not this time, we are so weary, we can't do this again. we can't. then the tech leaves, and comes back with the head of radiology, with whom we are unfortunately already acquainted. they try to explain, I am babbling I think, but I really don't remember. Then they say it, the word I do not expect to hear even in my worst nightmares

"terminal"

the word hangs there in the air, slowly sinking in to my heart, my soul.
a part of me begins to die a long, slow death, a piece of me will die and be buried with this child, this babe, named Elijah Thomas, who's life and death will radically change my soul. a heart death, one of many, from which God alone can awaken and resurrect.

today is December 15th. today is an anniversary of sorts, an anniversary of awakenings, an anniversary of one of the many deaths of my soul, and the awakening resurrection that came with it.
Lord continue to birth awakening in my Life, my Heart, my Soul. every day, every moment, awaken me to you, to your presence, your beauty, your hope.
thank you for my son Elijah, and all that you taught me and still teach me through his life, his death, and my resurrection.

I wrote this post last year. isaac deleted it, my Love recovered it. december 15th has come and gone again. this is our life. Every day is resurrection day. every day i need the God of all creation to resurrect the places of my heart that still lie in shadow.